“Damania Airlines serves free beer. Imagine that! Indian Airlines serves just coffee and cookies.”
Nilesh emphasized the fact. FREE BEER! The fare between Goa and Mumbai (it was called Bombay in those days) was the same for all airlines. Indian Airlines RIP. I vowed to fly by Damania from then on.
“They have exquisite air-hostesses. And if you say you have aerophobia, they hold your hands while take-off and landing.”
This piece of information was not as appealing as the word FREE. The Gujarati blood in me started bubbling.
Holding the coveted boarding pass for the Seat on Emergency Exit Row, I drooled:
“Free Beer, here I come!”
The flight took off. The thirsty look on my the faces of my fellow passengers confirmed that we were in the same boat — I mean the same aircraft! The flight between Goa and Mumbai was only 65 minutes long, take out ten minutes for take-off and another fifteen for landing. We had around 40 minutes to drink. The air-hostess, seated next to me (remember this was the emergency exit row) got up and prepared to distribute the nectar to the thirsty souls.
“Sir, tea? Coffee? Beer?”
Pop, pop, pop! No clinking of spoon against the china. Only pop, pop, and more popping sound of beer cans opening.
I indulged in the foamy, frothy Kingfisher. “Free”—I chugged down the first and requested for second. The friendly air-hostess asked me if I would like to have two (one down, and two more to go?). She replaced the empty can with two fresh ones. The dew droplets trickled from the sides of the cans (and my mouth).
Law of diminishing marginal utility kicked in and I could barely finish my third can. The ‘prepare for landing’ started blinking. I lunged for the fifth time to the toilet to empty the bladder. The air hostess gave a very disapproving look, pointed out to the ‘fasten your seat belt’ sign and requested me to return to the seat.
“Just a minute, please. I need to go.”
Seated next to me, she frowned as I plopped into my seat. The pressure on the bladder just relived, started building once again. One can never buy a beer; only rent it.
Ten minutes wait stretched. Then the pilot announced:
“The Prime Minister’s aircraft is landing in Bombay; and we will land as soon as our aircraft is cleared.”
A droplet of sweat trickled down my forehead. I ignored another droplet that trickled some other place. Twenty-five minutes of circling around the airport. And the dam was about to burst open.
I glanced furtively to the right, then left, and straight. All in a matter of second or two, I unfastened the seat belt, jumped and rushed to the toilet. The witch yelled and followed me. Locking the door, I released the dam. Forty seconds, fifty seconds, one minute, and counting. The damn dam refused to stop.
“Sir, are you alright? Please respond. Come out right now.”
The pitch changed from politeness to the dictatorial tone. Finishing the business, I returned to my seat. I dared not look anywhere else. I was sure everyone was staring at me. Another air-hostess sat in the aisle seat (I was in the middle), the first one by the window. Then both held on to my hands. I had not said I feared flying; yet both gripped my hands.
Some thirty minutes later, the flight landed. I covered my front-side with the carryon luggage. And vowed NEVER to fly by Damania — “though the beer was free and the pretty air-hostesses held your hands”. It wasn’t worth it.
August 3, 2022
My experience Air India Flight from Vancouver to New Delhi (October 27, 2022):
The wheelchair access requested for my spouse, Pragna: Well, well – I have seen better services. We got the drop off to the security check (from the check-in counter) by a battery operated cart. “Your Maple Leaf lounge is just after the check-in. Someone will pick you up when your departure is announced.”
Quite helpful. Pragna limped through the check-in, unassisted, and without the help of a cane. (You have booked a wheelchair assist, why do I need a cane?).
Maple Leaf lounge, I am not a stranger. Same old stuff, and uninterested staff members. But it was clean. And a very few options for vegetarians. No bread, no toast. As promised, the cart came to pick up and drop off at the departure gate (quite far from the lounge – a good thing). From then on, fight for yourself.
Amongst melee of people, we managed to sneak past to board the plane. The most uninterested person waved us towards an entrance for the economy section (without checking our boarding passes).
“Aren’t you supposed to check the boarding pass and then guide?”
All Indians, including PM of UK and his mother in law, are cattle class.
Despite choosing the seats online (my bad, I didn’t do proper enquiry at the check-in counter), Pragna and I were made to seat in tandem Seats 9C and 10C.
“My wife has some mobility issues, and I need to be with her” met with a quick response. New seats in the middle sections were assigned. Next to an elderly lady who spoke only Punjabi. Welcome to India.
After few minutes, we realized that the window seats had non-functioning recliners – hence they were not assigned to anyone. Seven seats out of 8 window seats (in my section) were unassigned due to this fault. Welcome to Air India. Don’t count your losses, please.
I noticed that other ‘working’ seats had some issues as well. My Television insisted on showing me the route to Delhi, despite several attempts to watch something else. Pragna’s headphones were squeaking and churning out the humming sound incessantly. You are requested to be away from the TV, etc. Enjoy the plain plane ride, please.
Overall, the hardware sucked.
The hardware sucked, but the service?
Exemplary! I loved the way we wee pampered. The hand luggage was properly shelved and the staff (who initially tried to speak with me in Punjabi, then switched to Hindi and English) helped us in every way. We felt we were home already. I would rate the staff a 10 out of 10; and the hardware – at 3 out of 10.
An average of 6.5.
The old age adage was again driven home to us:
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. If you use peanuts, all you get is monkeys.
Patiently to be served
The air is fresh
So is the linen
stale is the bread
So is the breath
Patiently to be served
Gandhiji is credited with the quotation: “Be the change you want to see in the world!”
A quick search on the internet will reveal that the credit does or does not go to Gandhi-ji.
However, the following lines:
Change can’t be given to you every time.
You MUST bring the change yourself.
are credited to none other than Ganpat, the bus conductor in Mumbai. A profound statement. The poem above is my own reflection on the change and the changes.
August 10, 2022
“Ask not what your country has done for you. Ask what you have done for your country.”
He recalled the statement and immediately erased it. Karma! He blamed karma for the mess he was in. As usual, it started in a rather inane way. Saanvi was busy in the kitchen preparing sumptuous dishes for Diwali Festival, whereas Shen was relaxed on his favourite chair, doing a rather complex crossword in the daily.
“Here, taste this. Do I need to add more salt?”
Shen looked up lovingly at Saanvi and took a bite of the goodies offered to him. Everything was perfect. He grunted his approval and tried to grab the hand that fed him. Just to caress it and to kiss it. To express his love and affection. A surprised Saanvi jerked her hand. The plate in her hand shattered to pieces as it hit the marble floor. The goodies lie scattered as wounded soldiers, who will never see tomorrow.
“What are you up to? If you can’t help me with anything, at least don’t increase my work. Just sit there and don’t move. I don’t want to rush you to the doctor’s place for cuts and wounds. Imagine! On a Diwali Day! Hah…”
Shen tried to get up from the chair.
“Sit down, PLEASE! And don’t move till I clean up the mess.”
‘She who must be obeyed’ barked the command and Shen squirmed in his chair. He lost the interest in the crossword and the newspaper. Saanvi had an exhausted-looking face, with disheveled hair, part of which was covered with white flour. He wondered whether he should get up and hold her face in his hands. And then clean the messy hair. He dared not. He shut his eyes tight and prayed.
The whistle from the pressure cooker started him. He looked at the clean surrounding. Saanvi, in her different dress, was still hovering over the kitchen stove. Shen plastered the romantic smile on his face. His statement: “Hello, sweetheart. I must have dozed off” elicited no response. He ransacked his mind for a suitable gambit and drew blank. He wondered how long this cold war would last.
He got up slowly and ambled towards Saanvi and embraced her from behind. She stiffened and tried unsuccessfully to wriggle out of his tight hold.
“Now what do you want?”
“Just a smile from you, sweetheart.”
“Then behave yourself and please don’t increase my work. Now, let me focus on the tasks at hand. So much to do and so little time.”
Shen nibbled her ear-lobe and recited Rose Milligan’s poem (memorized specially for such occasions):
Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.
“You are crazy, please leave me alone.”
Saanvi hugged him back. The solid Rock of Gibraltar seemed to be melting.
“I shall quickly make Madras Filter Coffee, just as you like it. Here, let me take the mop from your hand and help you tidy up the floor.”
“Do you remember our first Diwali in Mumbai? The lights, the firecrackers, the fragrance of sweets everywhere. You and I sat on the old comforter spread on the floor, holding hands. There were no lights, no firecrackers, no sweets. But we had each other. Remember?”
How could they ever forget the First Diwali? Hiding feelings, each tried to be cheerful. They promised that their next Diwali would be much better and brighter. Wait and Watch. When the radio next door belted out the songs on Diwali, the dam of tears broke down.
लाखों तारे आसमान में, एक मगर ढूँढे ना मिला
देखके दुनिया की दीवाली, दिल मेरा चुपचाप जला
दिल मेरा चुपचाप जला …
“Honey, we have come a long way since our first Diwali. Let’s focus on the jobs at hand. I plan to hang the string of lights and then also the special Diwali lantern. Would you like to re-arrange the living room? Let me help you in organizing that.”
Saanvi’s favourite game was to re-position furniture every few weeks, whereas Shen loved the room as it was. Your sofa was comfy whichever direction it faced. So why bother? But that was HIS opinion, not HERS.
Beaming Saanvi pecked his cheek and moved out of his reach. Everything was normal.
Shen started mopping the floor diligently and pondered:
“Ask not what a Diwali has done for you. Ask what you have done for the Diwali.”
You were you
I was me
From mere us
To more than two
We and ours.
You, me, alone.
Lips caress yesteryears
Wipe other’s tears
October 28, 2021
“Don’t come to the living room when we have guests. DON’T. And never talk to any guests. Do you understand?”
He stared at his left toe, then the right toe. He dared not look up. He knew not his fault. The command was not unusual, and used to be repeated and re-established whenever the family had guests. Shen, the eight-year-old, loved to meet, greet, and talk. And this was a constant source of embarrassment to other family members. Along with the nourishing diet, education, and vitamins, he also got regular doses of ‘scolding’ . Any ‘Act of commission’ or ‘omission’ would eventually get him into trouble. The scolding was, at times, followed by a thrashing! Initially, he cried. But crying resulted in more scolding and the title ‘CRY BABY’.
A voracious reader, he recalled that in one of the western series books, the First Nations mother put her hands on her crying child’s mouth till he stopped whimpering. ‘No crying, even in great pain.’ He followed the wisdom that the child had received. From then, he shed no tears in public. Oh, that did not mean he didn’t cry. Only no tears, no show of emotions. Slowly, he learnt to hide his feelings. Like a true Western Hero! And Charlie Chaplin! He loved the rain; for while walking in the pouring rain, his out-pour of tears went unnoticed.
No Tears, No Emotions. Only the Blank Face.
During the courtship days, he thawed a little. He let Saanvi enter his heart. Together, they shared a vision. He wrote, and she responded to his passionate letters and poems.
“Come, step into my garden. I would like my roses to see you!” And she stepped into his life. Forever! People around them sighed. The ugly ogre got the princess!
Saanvi and Shen thrived, prospered, had children. They doted on their children–a boy (Gyan) and a girl (Anju). Scolding and Thrashing were taboos. Shen opened up a little more and expressed his genuine feelings. Everything was going great.
The children in their pre-teens responded well to the nourishing environment. Birthday parties, sleepovers, game nights, the works! Shen, a doting father, loved to join the children in their celebrations and enjoyed the childhood that he almost never had.
Much to the embarrassment of his children. A high-level meeting without the figurative head of the house resulted in no solution. Shen loved his newfound childhood.
“Dad, may I ask you a favour?”
“Anything for you. Just ask. If it’s within my powers, it’s yours.”
“Jarrod has a new PS3 console, and he is bringing it to our place to hook up to our new TV. He also has the latest games.”
“That’s great! I will also join you and maybe if all of us like the console, we shall buy it!”
Pin drop silence!
“But dad, that’s not what I want. When my friends come, do you mind staying in your bedroom, and not stepping out? Please, please…”
Shen looked at Saanvi, who pretended not to notice anything unusual.
It was time for the Western Hero to ride into the sunset.
He stared at his left toe, then the right toe. He dared not look up.
No Tears, No Emotions. Only the Blank Face.
October 21, 2021
An adventure is something you don’t enjoy while you are in it – but relish it (if you survive) later on. The adventurers can be categorized into three broad categories:
- Some people are born adventurers.
- Some become adventurers by planning. They plan their adventures with meticulous care. Tight rope walking across Niagara Falls (or jumping off in a drum), etc. The list is endless for these adrenaline junkies.
- For a few the adventures are thrust upon you: a bus accident, or being a passenger in a hijacked plane. You don’t plan for these. Like ‘love’, it just happens! And you have no choice but to be part of it.
The adventures of accountants? The universal truth is that the accountants lead most boring lives. Or at the most, they lead a very ‘balanced’ life. If one goes on any search engine, and type the words ‘accountant jokes’, one will get uncountable hits! Few million hits lesser than the words ‘lawyer jokes’.
I am an accountant. A hard-core one! Why do accountants now have any adventures? I discussed the matter with my beloved (philosophical) wife.
“What are your feelings before, during and after the adventure?”
“Millions of butterflies in the stomach, a fear of the unknown, feeling of anticipation (before), overwhelming, dying, elation, extreme fear (during), sense of accomplishment, glowing, satisfaction (after).”
“You had a very good practice in Mumbai. You were NOT happy there. You wanted something more. Without any research or backing (there was no internet in India then), you opted to migrate to Canada and make it your home. We followed you.
“Butterflies? We had a whole jungle in our stomachs. Scared to death? That would be an understatement. Anticipation? Yes, but only of worse things to happen in the future. That was before we started for Canada.
“Normally, an adventure lasts for a few seconds/minutes/hours or, in rare cases, days. Our adventure in Canada lasted whole three years! Remember our ‘Miss India’ concerts – wherein the children and I used to cry every evening into nights – ‘We Miss Our India’?”
I confessed I missed that part of the adventure completely. To achieve the same, if not better, lifestyle that we enjoyed in Mumbai, I juggled between two or more jobs and studied hard (to get my local designation). No time to stand and stare with miles to go!
And the steep learning curve? I thought that book-keeping and accounting were the same throughout the world. After all, we had mastered the Indian Accounting Standards, as also International Accounting Standards. And I remembered my university professor:
“There are three golden principles of book-keeping. THREE GOLDEN PRINCIPLES!”
The professor went on to elaborate on these gold principles. As first-year University Students, fresh from the school, we focused on each pearl that the professor cast before us.
“Even when someone wakes you up from the deepest slumber and asks you about these principles, you must be able to narrate them without any hesitation.”
Dutiful students that we were, we internalized the principles. The professor was NOT wrong. Even today, I try to break down complex accounting transactions and analyze them. And most of the time, I don’t need a second opinion.
The trouble was that the Canadian Bosses and colleagues did not know and care about these Indian principles. Or for that matter, Indians. Their eyebrows would reach new heights whenever they heard me discuss sundry debtors, sundry creditors, raising the invoices, tallying the trial balance, etc. My quick (and accurate) answer of $6,000 as 30% of $20,000 was checked and re-checked on the fancy calculators or spreadsheet. And the three golden principles? I am still afraid to ask any local CPA.
Putting on the thinking cap, I never thought that accounting – especially the public practice – is dull. Though most of the work is pretty mundane and mechanical, (like digging tonnes of coal) we hit a diamond! And the adventure begins. All the diamonds given below are not my own – but I can ‘vouch’ for them.
Working for a CA firm specializing in ‘tax planning’, the partner of the firm did comprehensive planning for a top-notch smuggler and his family. The dispute over the fees led to the partner refusing to part with the working paper files and relevant documents back to the client. The dispute went on for a few weeks.
One evening, a wimpy representative met the partner and requested the documents.
“First pay my fees.”
The representative then started the narration about the daily activities of all the family members of the partner. At what time, who does what and where! In a monotonous tone, no harsh words. Voices were not raised, but the partner’s blood pressure shot up. There was a ‘single entry’ transaction of documents being returned without funds flowing in.
Then a few years ago, a new client sought the help of an accountant.
“Occasionally, I buy the car, and either sell it locally or export it for a small profit.”
Occasionally was the keyword; which on further probe turned out to be ugly bee-hive. The evasion of sales tax (Federal and provincial), Custom Duties, taxes – the works. The would-be client had to knock at another door!
Then there’s a case of the smart client – who played one accountant against another. He got the tax advice (free) from one accountant and requested the other to implement the same. Unfortunately, for this client, the two accountants knew each other, and the rip-off was averted!
Every day, everywhere I see adventures. If nothing else works, I pick up the Income Tax Act and read a complete Section. Trying very hard to understand. That, in itself, is the biggest adventure.